What Was That About?
A practice in processing feelings
Seriously, how are you?
I’m doing okay. Recovery is going better than expected, even though I’m still struggling with low energy. My doctor says that it’s normal for a few months, but I also need to get my protein intake up, a-sap.
I’ve been slowly coming back to the things I love. The other day, I edited a one-minute reel about a good walk, and I was very proud of myself. I returned to an editing tool I haven’t used in six months, and my muscle memory was at least 40% there. It didn’t feel as overwhelming as I’d imagined. I also finished the edit in way less time than it would have taken me six months ago. So yeah, in my books, that felt like great progress.
So you can imagine my surprise when I uploaded it to Instagram: my chest tightened, and I said to myself, your mates are making films.
Excuse me? Where the fuck did that come from?
I know it’s been a rough couple of months, but this one cleared me, and I needed to get to the bottom of it. I’ve learned the hard way, more times than I can count, that when feelings are ignored, they resurface in more complicated ways, and I just can’t right now. So, I reached for my old faithful: the feelings wheel, to begin the investigation.
(takes a deep breath)
Me to me: Let’s talk.
So, I had just posted a video I was proud of, something that took a lot of effort, and then instantly shat on it.
What was that about?
I’m not entirely sure. It came out of nowhere, like a rough side tackle on a football field. Red card!
Where am I noticing this in my body?
In my chest. It feels tight. My heart is also racing.
There’s a slight nausea. It’s that immediate discomfort that is similar to the one I get when I accidentally step into water with socks on.
I also went from a wide, lifted smile to heavy, low cheeks.
What happened before it showed up?
I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a bunch of new movie snippets from filmmakers I admire. Shortly after that, I noticed myself comparing.
What story did the mind tell me?
That I’m somehow behind in my craft, and not progressing as fast as I should. That I’m also running out of time. Perhaps I missed my window? Changing careers in this economy doesn’t seem so wise all of a sudden. And maybe I’m not even as good as I thought.
If I had to name this feeling, what would I call it?
(checks the feeling wheel)1
Underneath the comparison is fear, from the uncertainty about the future, and a side of grief for the future I thought I’d have by now.
(This one took me the longest to figure out)
Is that a fact or a thought?
A thought. I know it’s a thought.
I understand that everyone is on their own timeline; there’s no such thing as “behind”. I know people change paths at all ages. I believe that it’s never too late.
But the fear and grief are still there
What do I need right now?
To put my phone in another room for a bit. I’d also like to write about it. Then, talk to someone I trust.
So I did just that: I kept my phone away, wrote about it, and talked to a friend. It took some time to get through the feelings, but it was a relief to release them.
After that, I listened to the new J. Cole, and watched Love, Brooklyn before heading to bed for a solid eight hours of sleep.
I can’t say the feeling won’t come back, but I’m glad to have the tools, and the community, to work my way through them when they do. I continue to remind myself to stay as present as possible, one moment at a time, even when it’s uncomfortable.
There is a lot of power in turning curiosity inward. No matter the situation.
Stay curious, my darling.
Osẹ̀
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